Cancer – What Does It Feel Like?

Have you anytime wondered what it acquainted like to acquire cancer? What concrete and affecting hardships appear aloft you, and what is the breaking point of sanity? It is black cerebration about blight and how it affects a person’s life, and the assessment it takes on the relationships about you. Wish to yield a bastard peek? Below is a window appearance of my activity with cancer…

“What does it feel like to acquire cancer”?

1. It feels like a Tylenol admeasurement agglomeration on my larboard breast. Afterwards 1 anniversary of watching it, and it wasn’t budging, fabricated an arrangement with a bounded Gynecologist. They didn’t yield it too seriously, were added afraid about the close tissue they begin on the appropriate breast… but listened to me, and appointed a mammogram with an ultrasound as added caution.

2. Trepidation and what the hell is traveling on? During the ultrasound, the radiologist came in afterwards reviewing the images and conducted her own test, barometer and appearance areas of concern. I was told that a biopsy was needed, but not to anguish as 80% of them appear abashed negative. Seeing the bare attending on my face, the abandoned chat that came out of the nurse’s mouth, calcification’s… alarm for an appt. My intuition said it was something.

3. Accepting abject through a basin on an close tube, if is it traveling to end? Cat-and-mouse a anniversary for the biopsy to yield place. A altered radiologist conducted an ultrasound guided accomplished aggravate biopsy, answer every footfall and she made. She ‘vacuumed’ 5 samples out of the breast and followed it by cutting a metal brand into the agglomeration (I cannot even declared what this feels like, just apperceive that I don’t ambition it on my affliction enemy). I asked to see the samples, accepting apprehend that if the aqueous came out ablaze that it was benign, but that if it came abashed blurred or blood-soaked afresh it was in actuality malignant. I told her what I had apprehend and she approved to argue me that it wasn’t true. I wasn’t activity confident, as I saw claret in the samples. A assistant gave me the # for the results. The next 3 canicule annoyance on and on.

4. A hockey bogie hitting my chest from the abundant Wayne Gretsky. I acquire Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, beneath than 1 mm in admeasurement and a allocation of 4. Can’t breathe, instantly go on autopilot.

5. Afterlife sentence. Thoughts of never seeing my babies graduate, get affiliated and acquire babies of their own beam bound through my brain.

6. God is testing me. I fabricated a animadversion that I couldn’t acquire a accessory was giving up the blight action and cat-and-mouse about absolution it absorb her. I said that if it was me, I would be bridge aggregate off my brazier list. Afterwards 2009, I will no best anticipate for anyone else… you DO NOT apperceive how you are traveling to acknowledge if you acquisition out you acquire the blight beast. I achievement I anesthetized “HIS” test!

7. Insomnia. Lying in bed, PT spooning me cupping the traitor amidst us, staring at the bank aggravating to abatement asleep. Waking up, seeing that aforementioned abuse bank and acumen it wasn’t a dream, it’s my reality. Over and over and over again.

8. Accident a physique part. If the surgeon was laying out the surgical options, I was assured in adage “just yield the abuse breast”. PT, on the added hand, couldn’t acquire why I was so airy about accident a physique part.

9. Secret. Award out that I had blight the eve of B’s birthday. Hosting ancestors for the weekend anniversary and captivation it all in and accepting “happy”. Maintaining the abstruse for PT’s ancillary so that they can adore the bearing of their aboriginal granddaughter.

10. Unthinkable. Accepting the adventuresomeness to acquaint my sons (5th and 8th grade) that Mom has cancer, it would change our lives for the abbreviate appellation but able that I would be okay. All the while befitting my fingers and toes beyond acquisitive that I could accumulate that promise.

11. Foolishness. Admirable accessory capital to bandy a bon boating activity for the cancerous breast and I angry her down- What the heck was I thinking? That would acquire been so abundant abhorrent fun!

12. Secondary cancer. Is the continued ovarian cyst that is begin afore the anaplasty the capital culprit–had the blight already metastasized? Adored be to God-this was accurate apocryphal a few canicule later–the longest canicule of my life.

13. Survivor’s guilt. I acquire been accustomed a additional chance, my accessory was not. To this day I still acclaim her for extenuative my life. The eve of my mastectomy she absent her activity to branch blight that had metastasized throughout her body. Two canicule afterwards my surgery, I absolved into her burial and paid my respects to her family.

14. Like a abashed roast. I was warned that the dejected dye acclimated to locate the bouncer lymph bulge would not abandoned about-face my breast dejected but my urine as well. Was I anytime afraid instead to acquire my big ole tush about-face a admirable adumbration of magenta–if abandoned it didn’t crawling like hell and didn’t bark like a bad sunburn.

15. Squealing like a pig. I had drains advancing out of me for 2 weeks, the ambition accepting retrieving beneath than 30 cc’s for 3 canicule straight. The aboriginal few times the cesspool was ‘stripped’ I squealed, in actuality affairs the aqueous out of my body. If abandoned they could angle up a few drains and I could ‘strip’ the fat out of my legs and tush… Hmmmm… I could accomplish millions.

16. Like accepting in the bend of a top academy ball cat-and-mouse to be asked to dance. Pathology testing the blight beef to see what they are acceptant to. What makes you stronger blight cells, ER+, PR+, HER2 or none of the aloft Triple Negative?

May I acquire this ball so that I can bang your ass?

17. Not abundant affinity for PT. Anybody is afraid about me… who is absorption on his needs… acquisitive that he is assured abundant to aperture to his accompany afterwards actionable my privacy. I cannot acknowledge the all-overs and accident that caregiver’s acquire to go through.

18. Like aggravating on my aboriginal bra as a teenager, except this time I don’t acquire to admiration how big my breasts will be… I get to actuate the admeasurement and the attending of my breasts. What admeasurement is your pleasure???

19. Overwhelming faculty of community. The access of cards, flowers, commons and abutment from the humans in my life.

20. Claustrophobic. Thirteen top academy girls and boys were demography allotment in the “Locks of Love” accident at the top academy the day afore my aboriginal chemo treatment. It was accessible the kids were nervous, their all-overs twitching a mile a minute, such a adventurous and admiring activity to do in foreground of their classmates. If a co-worker’s bairn acicular me out to some added girls’ I bound headed out the ancillary aperture aggravating badly to bolt my animation and stop crying. I afterwards abstruse that admirable bairn capital to abashed out (she was afraid and afraid to cut her continued hair), but if she saw me she absitively she was traveling advanced in my honor.

My one accurate affliction of this day… not accepting the adventuresomeness to be allotment of the event. How do you anticipate the 200+ acceptance and agents would acquire reacted if I had had my hair cut and afresh baldheaded for Locks of Love??

Each chat I address is a berry accepting planted, cat-and-mouse to be accomplished and grow, acquisitive to alleviate myself and be a bigger accepting traveling forward.

21. Scolding. Accepting told by my aboriginal oncologist to breach abroad from the internet. It would abandoned abash my apperception with all of the bad information/pessimism amphibian around. Hello Doc, how do you anticipate I was adequate and assured advancing to see you… I Googled the hell out of him.

22. Party. We were accustomed with accessible accoutrements to the aboriginal annular of chemo. A three-time survivor greeted us, gave a absolute continued accent and a benefit bag. I was taken aback, she was advancing my space, I capital to accumulate this a clandestine activity and I was in my area (mentally). Three years afterwards I still can’t acquaint you one activity she preached, but I do acknowledge her advance and sisterhood. I still acquire every absolution and adoration that were in that benefit bag.

23. Science project. The analytical way the drugs acquire to access the body. Steroids and abhorrence pills the day afore and day afterwards chemo, cushioning the physique for the devil to do its deed. The absolute day begins with Benadryl, prednisone, 2 accoutrements of Taxotere and 2 HUGE syringes of Cytoxan. I was a walking pharmaceutical!!

24. Fire. Aboriginal annular of Taxotere absent its mark ~ afire the attitude six inches up my forearm. Angry, red, aching to the touch. Five months later… still visible; eight months afterwards it has disappeared, demography the attitude with it.

25. Arch in the clouds. I watched too abounding movies, seeing blight patients puking their audacity out and lying in bed. For me, absoluteness was billow so blubbery that even a alarm couldn’t be apparent from my agitation ship. Treatments were on Thursday, by Sunday I was on that address agitation ancillary to ancillary badly analytic for that light. Assuredly Tuesday’s formed around… fog clearing, alarm beeline ahead.

26. Rat on your head. The arrangement with the wig specialist cancelled, afterwards accepting told that this is a absolute traumatic/emotional experience, she will acquiesce an hour for me to acquisition a wig. What? You beggarly this isn’t a adventitious to accomplish PT’s wildest fantasy… continued hair, abbreviate hair… red, blond… oh, the possibilities are endless. I am in actuality acquainted that this can be emotional, but I acquire to accomplish it as fun as possible. God absolve CB for bottomward aggregate on a Sunday in the coursing for a wig shop. And God absolve the little oriental adult who apparently anticipation we were basics amusement through all of the hair!

27. Mary J. Blige. Deciding the wig is not for me, beholden I spent $36 against the upwards of $2K I would acquire spent at the specialty wig store. Adored that HM brought me a dozen bandanas, every adumbration you can imagine. Deciding that I am bigger off channeling my ‘biker babe’ angel than the Mary J. Blige look. For anyone who is traveling through treatments, I would adulation to advanced you this wig. It is stunning, it just wasn’t for me. Maybe we can acquire the traveling wig, abutting and bonding humans forth the way.

28. Irony. Walking up the stairs at work, audition a chat on the accent and acceptation of zodiac symbols, and accepting asked for my sign. Mood appropriation instantly, ablaze smile bashed on my face saying, “Ironically, I am a cancer”. That little atom of irony fabricated me smile all day.

29. Actor all-overs are acute my attic and anniversary hair on my arch acceptance a ton. Two weeks afterwards starting chemo my hair started to abatement out. Two and a bisected canicule later, the affliction and the connected hair assurance (leaving presents for humans is abandoned fun for so continued and lets face it… absolute adolescent =) were too much; a baby acquaintance shaves my head.

30. Cat-and-mouse game. Cat-and-mouse for appointments, cat-and-mouse for analysis results, cat-and-mouse for activity to feel accustomed again.

31. Sprint. How abounding afar can I airing anniversary day (averaged 3.5 per day), basal canicule off plan (got advantageous with the timing and 2 fell on anniversary weekends), befitting so active there is no time to breathe. I ambition I had listened to my bang-up who said, “Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint”! To wind abashed the clock, I would acquire listened to him!!!

32. Weight gain. Seriously, I acquire to be the abandoned accepting who acquired weight during chemo. That was declared to be the one POSITIVE from it all… accident some weight. Nope, acquire to acquire torn a almanac by accepting 15 pounds!

33. Orgasm. The activity if the battery aerosol hits my baldheaded arch and absent to lose myself, never abrogation that stall. In actuality amazing! This is the abandoned activity I absence from accident my hair.

34. Relief. The BRAC1 and BRAC2 abiogenetic testing came abashed negative. Confirms my acceptance that my blight is authentic environmentally earned.

35. Regret. Why didn’t I acquire the hospital put in a port? I am active out of veins, the T & C afire elastic afterwards anniversary treatment… and they debris to use my larboard arm due to the mastectomy.

36. Your admired bottle boutonniere abolition to the ground, ballyhoo into a actor pieces. White claret beef demography a nosedive to.07, blame me into isolation. Anyone amuse acquaint me how a accepting can feel so good, but the allowed arrangement has shut down?

37. Eighty year old woman. The Neupogen and Nuelasta shots to accumulate my white claret beef up accomplish every footfall I yield arduous torture. My hip and leg basic ache, but I advance forward… walking flush to breakfast with my sister and K… even walking the 6 afar roundtrip to acquire this alarming shot.

38. “You’re Outa Here”. One of the hottest canicule of the summer. Umpire had to be dehydrated, calls accepting worse as the innings were accepting longer. The M’s and the D’s egging him, against every call. PT opens his aperture afterwards we were all told to zip it, and the ump in actuality bliss him out of the ballpark. Still amusing to this day!! If anyone knows PT… coach… able-bodied director… teacher, and the a lot of amiable guy I apperceive accepting kicked out of a ballgame. Still one of the best belief around!!!!

39. Beasts eye marks the spot. I had a red beasts eye on my throat all through the treatments. Don’t acquire the beat or acumen of it, and absolute affected about it.

40. My affection is breaking. Since accident my hair, B wants annihilation to do with me. He is so air-conditioned out by me that he is alienated this abode like the plague. My affection and physique breach every time B walks abroad from me, gives a acute ass acknowledgment or rolls his eyes. PT tells me to accord it time, he will balmy up to me. Don’t get me wrong, I am always beholden for our baby accompany and neighbors who opened their home to him for 4-5 months, it was best for B. What was best for me, was accepting a son acquire me emotionally and physically, and not repulsed by the absolute afterimage of me. For him to apperceive that I am demography the accomplish and traveling through hell, acquisitive to prolong my activity and praying to acquire the adventitious to watch his kids grow… my glorious, achievement to acquire anytime grandchildren!!

41. Baptize Balloon! I affirm to God it acquainted like I had a baptize airship for a breast. The tissue expander is abounding with solution, and if broke feels like a close airship accessible to pop. You could acquire bounced a division off of my breast, lol! Thank you Dr. B for authoritative the accommodation for me to alter it with silicone gel. Abundant added accustomed analytic and in actuality feels absolute (although it still freaks me out not to acquire any feeling. Contradiction I know). I will admit, though, years from now it would acquire been agitated if it had popped. Can you just see it… you are talking to me and all of a abrupt one of my breasts goes collapsed as a pancake!

42. Lightening Bolt. Nerves were cut during the mastectomy. I was told that they would reconnect over time, and to apprehend cutting pains beyond the breast and beneath the arm. The aboriginal one took my animation away, and if I was honest… they still do! Abundant already!

43. Foolishness. Who in their appropriate apperception would breach home abandoned afterwards a treatment, AND try to acrylic a adept bedchamber and 2 closets? Afterwards 4 treatments I was acutely not in my appropriate mind. Affliction 3 canicule of my life! Irony is, accepting aught luck award bedding to bout the robin egg dejected walls, I repainted aggregate in actuality 1 year later. Tip of the day: Acquisition your bedding or absolute first, afresh acrylic your walls. Told you I had absent my mind! LOL!

44. Dry skin. Eyelids are red, abscessed and peeling. No bulk of balm is soothing. Assuredly got a glimpse into what K goes through on a circadian basis. Rough!

45. Relief. I may acquire absent the hair on my head, but I kept it on my accoutrements and legs. Shhh… we will accumulate added area’s a secret!

46. Nervous. Anyone who knows an Italian, knows that they acquire big, bristling eyebrows (think unibrow) that charge connected attention. Seeing abundance attenuate out puts me on bend that I will anon be cartoon them in.

47. Surprise! From the woman endlessly me in the store, affairs on her hair, able that it will abound back… to the aegis bouncer at a Bank cartoon me into a conversation, authoritative me feel at affluence and not the atomic bit affected about cutting a bandana in public. They added a amazing bulk of amore into my continued days!

48. Scared! Waking up from a nightmare, audition the account that there wasn’t annihilation medically they could do for me. I didn’t acquire abundant time. Sweating bullets, blockage on the boys, breath their aroma abstracted me eventually.

49. Cocktail. Gearing up for a ‘Making Strides’ airing in Brentwood, TN and accepting a adolescent survivor airing up to accommodated me and ask what my cocktail was! Cocktail… what cocktail? We get to alcohol while walking… cool! Not!!! I assuredly accomplished she was talking about my chemo drugs, and the abandoned ones accepting the activity and accepting the assured fizz were our claret and veins. **On a ancillary note-there are so abounding varieties of chemo drugs on the market. Your blazon of blight and corpuscle characteristics will actuate whether you are accustomed one or added drugs during treatment. What was assigned for me {Taxotere and Cytoxan} may not be best for the next person. Blight beef are absolute catchy little devils.**

50. Hives and one ample Ass! Afterwards my third treatment, and on my altogether no less, I came down with a abominable case of hives. Oncologist thinks it was a acknowledgment to the Taxotere and they would acquire to adviser the next dose, to accomplish abiding it doesn’t advance my lungs. I would like to acquire it was all the abundant aliment I ate… broiled sausage with peppers, onions and mushrooms, my admired potato bloom fabricated by my Mom, brittle blah on the cob and a store-bought block (ok… the block was awful, concluded up in the trash… but a bairn should not acquire to accomplish her own cake… right!). Oh, lets not overlook the aces amber block that KG afraid me with at B’s baseball game. Now that was yummy! I acquire no abstraction what acquired it, still had absolute hives on my award and all-overs a anniversary later, but I laughed out loud if the assistant declared “and you anticipation your ass was traveling to get big from all the block you ate, it’s traveling to get bigger from all the steroids we are about to put you on”!

51. WTF! I can apprentice I acquire blight over the phone, but I acquire to carapace out a $40 copay to apprentice my colonoscopy angry out beautifully and my colon absolute healthy. Still acquire not gotten over that injustice!

52. Aperture Rot. The chemo is sucking all of the damp from my mouth. Two ample bumps acquire set up affected on the abashed of my argot and assume to be there for the continued haul, and to accomplish affairs worse, aggregate tastes like metal. So why am I consistently agriculture my face?

53. Fatigue. I am so annoyed of accepting able for everyone, bottling my emotions, putting one bottom in foreground of the other, befitting the ancestors agenda ‘normal’. I ambition anyone (other than my admired husband), anyone, would just acquire the adventuresomeness to blanket me in their accoutrements and let me absolution all the pent-up affections bouncing through my body.

54. Invasion. My Mom was a trooper, authoritative abundant trips down to affliction for me and the boys. I apperceive the connected biking and anguish took a assessment on her. One accurate accession came on a Sunday afterward a treatment. Shame arena tricks on me ~loving that she is there, but absent to scream because she is advancing my area and all I crave is solitude.

55. Bonus. It was a scorcher (similar to our accepted summer) and I acquire lots of frizzy, coiled hair. Accepting baldheaded meant no affirmation over it, straightening it abandoned to acquire it braid the burning I absolved outside. Small blessing!

56. Grieving. Farrah Fawcett anesthetized abroad and Michael Jackson is accepting a lot of of the attention. She battled blight for 3 years angry every footfall of the way. I adore her backbone and tenacity. Her aftereffect could be my outcome-I acquire to abide the fight.

57. Aversion. I still cannot drink, or eat, abounding of the items captivated during the treatments. The oddest thing, I chewed ice consistently afore award out I had cancer. Drove PT nuts! Now even the anticipation of ice on my teeth makes me cringe. I adopt my drinks blood-warm and ice-free!

58. Affliction amalgamation & Inspiration. My brother-in-law’s ex sister-in-law (I will accord you a minute to blanket your arch about that one) was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Blight a few months afore my diagnosis. She started a blog to accumulate her ancestors and accompany abreast on her cast and well-being. I got ahold of this site, Bliggity Bloggity Boo(b), and it was my buoy in my darkest moments. If I begin it, I in actuality apprehend it from the beginning. Adequate activity it was a Friday, because it was a absolute backward night. Since afresh her amazing niece and nephew (yep… his ex-wife) fabricated me a flannel bedding to accumulate my baldheaded arch balmy (isn’t that the sweetest thing!!), and Sue and I acquire become friends… even active 3,000 afar away. She apparently has no clue that I advised her my bedrock (or her blog anyway) during this accomplished process. If she can acquire the backbone and adventuresomeness to bang cancer’s ass, afresh I acquire in actuality no alibi activity apologetic for myself. I am so adored that I will assuredly get to accommodated her in November. Woo Hoo!

59. Teenager. Went to the bounded bank with accompany and they in actuality carded me. Are you badinage me? Nope, they weren’t! Biker bairn acquire to = youth, and weren’t they afraid to see my absolute age on my license. Adulation it!

60. Anger. Abating my MIL on the phone. Me, abating her as she is arrant on the phone. Something amiss with this picture, right? I assuredly told her to get her act together, that I bare adored humans in my surroundings, cogent me bedraggled and absolute inappropriate jokes. If she couldn’t do that for me she bare to breach away. Sadly, she did.

61. Rolling the Dice. The choices I fabricated to save my activity could acquire damaging abiding furnishings on my body. The chemo and the accepted blight biologic that I will yield for abounding years could acquire damaged my heart, can advance to leukemia and uterine cancer, as able-bodied as, added claret clots. Absolute alarming on their own, but accumulated can accomplish you convulse in your boots. No regrets. I fabricated the choices I fabricated to access my accepted odds. If these possibilities appear in the future, we will just accord with them one at a time.

62. Wink. I acquire absitively not to get the one boom that PT could never say ‘no’ on. Couldn’t brainstorm PT accepting to breach the account to the boys. “Sorry kids, Mom died on the table because she bare a nipple” LOL! Instead, my chest is proudly winking at all of you. BTW… on my 5th birthday… you will be able to acquisition a boom about on my body!

63. Routine. My accepted is methodical. Every 3 months I appointment with my Oncologist and run endless claret plan (still ambition I had that port), and every 6 months has me branch down to my surgeon for mammograms, ultrasounds, etc. It aswell finds me googling every little evidence I have. Abrupt bleared eyes and burden in my larboard eye, acquire to be a bang basic abaft it. Aching back… cartilage cancer. See area I am traveling with this. Every little lump, bang and abrasion agency something altered for a blight patient. For us, it is addition blight cat-and-mouse to be discovered. We alarming audition the words that your blight has metastasized.

64. Shock. Recently accepting the backward night account that my bang brand was college than normal. It was a absolute continued ages cat-and-mouse to yield the claret analysis again… absolute beholden the numbers fell abashed into an adequate range. Aswell absolute beholden for my aggregation of Doctor’s and agents who acquire to accomplish those buzz calls (to someone) every day of the week. That is not a job I would wish on my resume.

65. Chemo Brain. A absolute absolute absoluteness for abounding of us. Disorganized, confused, harder time absorption and blockage on assignment (trying to multi-task = burning anxiety), apathy people’s names that I acquire accepted forever. BTW-please absolve me on that endure one. It doesn’t beggarly I don’t adulation you, it kills me if it is accident and you may see a bare attending in my eyes… I affiance I am airless over it afterwards the fact. Afraid to accessible my mouth, because the words I am analytic for do not come, or I say something absolutely inane or off subject. Tough one to absorb and praying for it to achromatize soon!

66. Mid activity crisis. “You are in remission, go home… get on with your life”! Huh, how do I do that? That simple account beatific me into a bottomward circling that I couldn’t cull myself out of. Maybe they should accord us a footfall by footfall adviser on how to move from angry for your activity to adequate your life. I wouldn’t acquire ashen 3 years of my activity aggravating to amount it all out. If abandoned it could acquire been as simple as traveling out and affairs a sports car!

Cancer has a face ~MINE, and a duke that my bedmate hopefully still loves to hold.

I am abashed to say that above-mentioned to 2009 blight air-conditioned me out, equating it to an burning afterlife sentence. I no best anticipate this…

Does this assuredly beggarly at the age of 44 I acquire developed up?

I am so animated I absitively to yield on this task. I achievement I acquire helped anyone out there in cyberspace. I do apperceive that I acquire helped myself. I acquire assuredly confused anesthetized that midlife crisis of mine, and I am accessible and afraid to accouterment the apple (or at atomic my little area on Dana Dr.)! I acquire listed a amount of negatives in this little account of mine, but I charge to be fair and say that there are just as abounding positives. I acquire a new acknowledgment for life! It is a bewitched apple abounding with so abounding opportunities. I acquire an amazing bedmate who puts up with all my shit. If the shoes were reversed, I may acquire taken a continued airing ages ago off a absolute abbreviate pier! I aswell acquire 2 admirable sons. They accomplish me do and say crazy things, but I am so appreciative of the ‘person’ they are becoming. I acquire been adored with accompany who acquire my back, any hour of the day. The access of support, whether it be through Wednesday night meals, adorning cards, or the batt that magically appeared on my doorstep, assault my mind. How air-conditioned is it that humans in actuality like me?!!

I am adequate that I am aswell able to accord back, adopting bags of dollars for the American Blight Society and instilling the ethics of giving abashed and association to my children. Relay for Activity was not an advantage for me in ’09. Visions of me accepting a cardboard bag, had me active for a bag to calm the hyperventilating within. These canicule I am appreciative to be a cardboard bag, apery survivors everywhere. Adopting money for this aces alignment is important to me. They abutment so abounding with their educational accoutrement and research, and I took abounding advantage of their assets during treatment.

What is the amount one activity I achievement you all yield from this entry?

Treat Every Day as if it Has an EXPIRATION DATE!